What It’s Really Like To Be Married To A Nurse

what it's really like to be married to a nurse

My wife is a nurse and has been for 20 years. I’ve read so many things about what it’s like to be a nurse, that I thought it was time to let people know the other side of the coin; what it’s like to be the spouse of a nurse.  There are many assumptions floating around when it comes to what it’s really like to be married to a nurse, but I can guarantee you, it’s not what you think. Here’s the low-down:

The truth about being married to a nurse:

10. Why can I never watch a medical movie or show without her yelling and throwing remotes and pillows at the T.V?  I just wanna watch the show. I’m an engineer, so I don’t understand what all the ranting is about.  She did mention that everyone in Hollywood should be fired?
Why does she have to pause the remote while she explains why the current T.V scene is “completely, medically incorrect?”

9.  If you want sympathy my friend, you won’t get it from a nurse. You could have severed a leg with a chainsaw, and you run in the house only to find her watching her favorite soap.  You’re screaming in agony from the excruciating pain. The bone is exposed, and arterial blood is spewing out.  She barely glances over out of the corner of her eye.  You plead with her, “please help me, I’m dying.”  She sends one of the kids to grab some antibiotic ointment from the medicine cabinet.  She says,  “Hush, I’m missing my show”;  slaps some ointment on it, covers the bloody, hemorrhaging  stump with an Ace wrap and leans over to offer you some beautiful words of empathy, “shut-up, you’re fine.”

In her defense, she sees a lot of unbelievably catastrophic injuries, so your owie needs to be pretty bad for her to jump into ninja-nurse action.

8. If I ever need some ‘man cave’ time, all I have to do is tell her that I’m taking her out for a nice romantic meal and a movie.  The minute we get to the restaurant, and we sit down to eat she is paged to go to work on an emergency case.  Voila, I have the night to myself.

7. One of the kids slammed the front door on my wife the other day and came running down the hall to me saying there was a strange woman at the door that was telling him to call her Momma.
They work a lot of crazy hours and most of the time they can’t remember their kids names. I sent her a text while she was a work the other day, to ask her if it was okay if Lisa, (our daughter) went to the movies.  She texted back and said, “who’s Lisa?”

6.  Now I know all these men who are not married to nurses have fantasies about the sex-kitten nurse. Their skin tight, sexy, white uniforms with low cut tops and large breast, stilettos, sexy hair, ….Well, I could go on, but the reality is not so amorous, or glamorous.

Nurses wear scrubs. Baggy, unflattering, large, droopy, dragging scrubs. She could be a porn star, and you wouldn’t even notice her in these things. They must have been invented by a woman because no man would ever dream up something so ghastly. My wife says she likes her scrubs, and by like I mean lives in them. She sleeps in them, eats in them, works in them, cooks in them, cleans in them, gardens in them, paints in them.  Yeah, she likes scrubs.  I, well, I want to burn them ALL.

Her shoes aren’t the strappy, sexy stilettos of men’s fantasies. They’re manly, clunky weird looking things with nasty stuff sticking to them.   I don’t know what it all is?  I don’t want to know. Instead of the hot stockings held up by sexy nurse garters, she wears socks. The same kind you see on old men when they’re in the hospital. She claims she wears them because they’re “comfortable.” I think she wears them to turn me off! Well, it works.

5.  I once told her I had a bad day. Her reply was, “let me tell you about my day. I had a guy pee on me, one died, one had an erection when I was giving him a bed bath, an old woman projectile vomited on me, and another spat on me. Sorry honey, tell me again how bad your day was?”  Needless to say I call my Mom when I need whine now

4. Sense of humor?  Yeah, they usually have one, but it’s not the sweet, cute, innocent one you may imagine.  Nah, it’s the raunchiest, weirdest, sick kind of humor. You know, the kind that’s embarrassing to be out in public with.  They develop this humor to survive in the field of nursing, but it creates stares when you’re out on a date.  They have no filter and don’t really get it when others find their nasty, maggoty, colon bleeding, diarrhea and vomiting humor shocking.

3. Our children talk about the most disgusting things at the dinner table. My wife taught them.  There are no boundaries or rules for ‘nice” discussions as we try to enjoy our evening meal.  We must learn about people’s water breaking, what color, consistency, texture and temperature people’s bodily fluids are and all this without my wife batting an eye. My poor children think it’s funny, as I sit there horrified, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a normal wife.

If you think dining out will be any different you’re sadly mistaken. If you try inviting another couple from her circle of nurse friends, be prepared to hear about how fat in the suction canister looked like peach-mango shake during a plastic’s case. How many rectal abscesses Dr. Butt had this week and how he must have had a “buy-one-get-one-free special going on. This is all while trying to enjoy lovely steak dinner. When you glance over at other patrons in the restaurant, they’re shaking their heads in disgust and turning a beautiful and vibrant shade of green.

2. Everyone and their brother knows my wife’s a nurse. People come out of the woodwork when they know she’s home to ask her questions about their “suspicious little rash,” or to have her take a gander at the festering boil on their butt.  There’s no escape from this.  Everyone you know has your wife’s number on speed-dial for all their “little” medical problems.

1. Nurses rarely get sick yet they’re around sick people all the time. Why is this the case?  Nurses have the immune system of a large army.  Every time they are around a sick patient they become more immune from getting sick with whatever the bug-de-jour is that day. An infection that will put you at death’s door, praying for your life, will give her a sneeze or two.  Get used to the hand sanitizer thing. We have gallons of it everywhere.  I think she bathes in it.

But, at the end of the day, I love my wife and wouldn’t want her any other way.  Well, okay, maybe the sexy nurse could visit once a month.  Nurses are great people.  They’re caring, compassionate, funny human beings, and I’m proud to have one as my wife.

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