Hello, my name is Rusty, and I’m an I.V pole. When I was young I use to love to work, but I’ve been around a while now, and I’ve learned how to irritate the nurses around here so I can retire early. I still work part-time teaching other I.V poles how to be just as annoying as myself. Here are the do’s and don’ts of being an I.V pole:
1. Your biggest job is to make the nurses job a living hell any way you can. That way they will learn your name, get to know you and steer clear of making you work…It’s genius! You’ll frequently hear nurses call me the “Rusty” one, the “crappy” one and even some other wicked names. When this happens, you’ll get extended break times for your enjoyment.
2. Now it’s always a good idea to look the part and get yourself an old coat of rust. This way they’ll know to look at you that you’re lazy, have rusty, arthritic joints, and they won’t bother you.
3. Make yourself scarce. There are departments that will use and abuse you and we can’t have that. They’ll treat you like a slave, so you should just move to a department where they don’t need IV poles, that way you’ll never be found. It’s fun to watch the nurses running around looking for us, so be sure to hide yourself well. Behind curtains and in closets are great places to hide.
4. Another way to avoid them using you (and this really irritates them) is when you refuse to hold the I.V pump. Let it slide man! I heard one nurse the other day yelling at my buddy Slippy, “Why do the I.V pumps slide down on you all the time? We’re not pole dancing here. Stop it. You’re a pole. Your job is to hold an I.V pump, period. Why must this be so very difficult for you?” I was “rolling,” well okay not literally.
5. This brings me to another point. All the new I.V poles usually roll, but you need to learn to refuse this duty. This technique is a sure fire way to get the nurse fired up and I guarantee you she’ll never use you again. You’ll be on permanent vacation. Cool, huh? It’s also fun to watch them try to figure out why you won’t roll. You may even hear them make comments like, “Please roll.” or “Why won’t you freaking roll?” But just allow these comments to “roll off,” There are some abusive nurses that will kick you to try to make you roll. The best way to deal with this situation is to become even more stubborn, and they will finally give up.
. Now this technique is the one that you use when all else fails. If the nurse has ignored your Rustiness, refusal to roll or hold an I.V then all you have to do is scream violently, and I assure you, your dream of being left alone in a closet paradise with a rather cute broom, will become a reality. The last thing one nurse yelled at me after I screamed like a crazy person was, “Stop it you’re embarrassing me in front of the patient! Could you please just do your job, Rusty?” After that I retired and “Broom” and I are now dating!
Oh, one last tip. If the nurses don’t want to give up one you and they’re determined to make you work, just fall down and play dead. It works every time!
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